Lifetime/Hallmark/ABC/Disney/Public Access at 3PM Central/Asian Time

I will write the next made-for-TV movie. I’ll write about Stephen with the dog and the PTSD. He has war veteran stickers on his black truck. I’ll write about the hated Edie with the manicured lawn and the pinwheel. Her daughter Sophie will make cameos out from behind the security of her window shades. Then there is Edie’s best friend, Maggie, who walks her two Shih Tzus five times a day so she can spy on the neighbors down the street.

“Oo, Edie,” she will say. “Edie, have you seen Sarah Speilman lately? She’s always looking so bright and flushed.”

“Oh, Magpie,” Edie will reply. “I should buy whatever skin cream she is using.”

“It’s not skin cream,” says Magpie. “When her husband, Sparky, goes to work, a new car pulls into her driveway and stays there for three hours.”

“Three hours?”

“Three hours.”

“What lasts three hours? Maybe he’s cleaning her pool.”

And Magpie will give her the eye and whisper loud enough for me to hear, “But she doesn’t have a pool.”

Edie will roll her eyes and say, “Of course not, Magpie. It’s a euphemism. Do you know what a euphemism is?”

“Please,” Magpie will say. “I haven’t had one of those since my late husband was alive. Hey, who’s car is this? It’s been out in front of your driveway for a week now.”

But that’s just the prologue because then there’s the murder. It’ll an unsuspecting victim. Who will die? Edie? Sarah? Sparky? No, it’s Fairie (spelled like the fantastical characters). She’s the – (No, not with a y). She’s the – (No, with an “ie”) She’s – (The ie like F.A.I.R.I.E.). She’s the one that you will mourn for because she’s just like you – except maybe you’re not a woman. She’s the normal everyday person with the parents, the average car, the average height, the average build, and no history of drug abuse. I won’t show you her body to sate your secret inner voyeur. I won’t tell you what race she is because that shouldn’t matter. But then maybe I’ll tug at your heartstrings because her name is synonymous with that half-naked Disney character. So instead I’ll call her toaster, which might not have any gender or synonyms.

“Toaster died today,” Edie will say at her memorial. “And we all mourn the loss of a beloved neighbor. Now get off my lawn.”

Then everyone will speculate as to who killed her because no one cares about anything other than the who and how.

No one cares that Edie just spoke at the memorial of perhaps her illegitimate love child, which we know through a handful of cut scenes.

So who killed toaster? Well, you’ll just need to watch my movie to find out. Look for it on televisions everywhere. On Lifetime/Hallmark/ABC/Disney/Public Access at 3PM Central/Asian Time right after Unsolved Mysteries but before that one show starring Angela Lansbury.