“I Only Fill in the Odd Numbers on the Test of Life Because I Can’t Even” AKA Listicle Poems

 

7 Reasons Why I Call This Place My Home

 

1. My father was in the navy which meant I called the world my home. But I spent more time in books, reading about adventures and true friends in each tome. My father was in the navy which meant I never really felt settled until he retired here and they gave him his plaque, flag, and a medal.

3. No, not DC – state. I live where the forests meet the cityscape. Where they kiss and relish in the warm embrace of the mountains. Where creativity and coffee seem to flow from bottomless fountains. Where the sun just peeks past those white billows to say hi. Just before he unzips the clouds to rain and to purify.

5. When I’m tired of hearing about the drama and rejection, I can just get up and drive for an hour in the other direction to find the right kind of connection that I need. To be one with nature; we live amongst the trees and within them. What secrets will we find under lush moss glistening like dewy gems?

7. 50 Shades of Gray? That’s just the forecast, my dear. But let me be blunt and let me be clear. The four seasons around here move like clockwork: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work. When the air smells like coffee, heat, and tar, it’s time to dust off your flip flops and the pollen off your car.

 

19 Things I Want to Say to My Non-Existant Therapist

 

1. I have lived a thousand years or more, through the eyes of soldiers and teachers and artists. I’ve been a mother, a grandmother, your neighbor, your dream, your nightmare, and maybe even a dolphin once but I still don’t know how to drag myself away from YouTube when I have a deadline for work.

3. You’re going to ask me about my medical history, aren’t you? If you’re not, you probably should because heart disease and high blood pressure run rampant through my family line. I didn’t realize heartache was a medical condition until I saw my mom’s bottle of Lisinopril on the counter. When I asked her about it, she said it’s because her heart works too hard and that the pressure is just too much for her body to take. At five years old I thought, Dear God. That’s me. I’m going to die.

5. I’m still afraid of the dark after I watch a scary movie. I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of that and I’m okay with it. Does that make me weird?

7. I am afraid of being diagnosed because then it will be real. So instead of diagnosing me with some sort of mental disorder, just prescribe me some ice cream and we’ll call it a day.

9. I don’t know if this matters but I don’t remember anything from my childhood except for the time that my dad joked about tieing me to the roof of the car because the backseat was full of boxes. Spoiler Alert: it was just a joke.

11. I am learning how to speak Welsh even though I’m never going to go to Wales and will never use this language to talk to business associates about landing Welsh accounts. My favorite sentence is “Dw I draig a eisiau naw deg un afal.” which means, “I am a dragon and I want ninety-one apples.” I think this speaks to my current mental state. Also, I might be living in a math problem. Also, did you know that beer in Welsh is “cwrw” which has no vowels and two Ws and I still can’t roll my Rs.

13. I have an unhealthy obsession with Netflix. Is there a patch that you can prescribe for me?

15. I was born a cancer and sometimes my family reminds of that without actually having to say anything.

17. Sometimes I wonder if there is a correlation between mental illness and creative geniuses and if you need to suffer to truly be an artist and the answer is no? Right? I don’t have to be depressed to be misunderstood by my peers. I can just be myself if I want to be posthumously appreciated. I don’t need to have an anxiety disorder if I want to suffer for my art. I can just wait until the last minute to finish my work before my deadline. Then I will truly know what suffering feels like – not that I do that. Nope.

19. I don’t need you. I mean, I probably do because I’m lonely and I’m sad sometimes and I spend my entire day in my office with my dog. But I know there are people out there who are lonelier and sadder and who have as many cats as I have insecurities. I’m scared you’ll tell them that it’s not okay to feel those things (or have that many cats). I could take the brunt for them because I know that being human means we’re full of feelings, of insecurities, and sometimes that also means we really like cats.